I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
