My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize