he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
