I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm way too hungover for life right now
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
