Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
