So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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