eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
that may or may not have been my penis.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
