you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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