Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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