I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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