the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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