My friends, they love my intelligence
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
