Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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