did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we made out on top of his cat.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
