Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
