they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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