she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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