I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
