K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
