i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
