Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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