God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize