i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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