I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
false alarm, still single
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
