I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
