This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
