your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
