you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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