i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
