The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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