it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
