If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
