dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
