win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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