i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
