fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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