if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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