I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
