Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
