I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
