apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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