ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
