Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
