I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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