someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
