I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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