Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
