I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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