just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
