I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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