Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
