I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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