she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I would fuck him just for his dog
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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