All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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