how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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