So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize