Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
