that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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