I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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