I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Actions speak louder than pants.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
