i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
